Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I don't know what to do with myself

It just feels so weird. My brain has been trained for the last 3 years that when the O cramps start, it's time to sms/email/phone/joke/lure DH into that one or three BD sessions that you are convinced will be the one to get us PG. Here I sit, left ovary twitching and as the minutes go past it aches more......

Darn it, I know that I'm about to O. The big SA is tomorrow. So I sit here with this empty feeling. I can't do anything about it. My heart is sore ok. It's the weirdest feeling. You try and try and try and fail and fail and fail. But it's ok, because you tried your damnest. But this cycle..... this cycle there is no trying so it can't technically equal fail. It's just a missed chance.

Yes I know the whole if you O today/tomorrow you will still be able to BD after the SA and hopefully still stand a chance. I know the egg survives about 8-12 hours. You can't teach me any new tricks. Argh.

Then I comfort (if you can call it comfort) myself with thinking, HELLO silly... You have been doing this for 3 years and nothing has happened, what makes you think that this cycle would have been any different. That is why you are seeing Doctor Lovely on 26 June, so that he can help... Silly girl, imagine falling PG on your own.

Don't beat yourself up about missing O this one freaking time.


2 comments:

Jodie said...

(((hugs))) do not beat your self up sweetie, but I do feel your pain and misery. bD like you don't need to tomorrow after the SA! You know, it is always when you can't do something that you want to do it the most, but it makes when you can return to it just that little bit more magical!

Em said...

(((hugs))) hon, you are doing the best thing you can to increase your chances for next time.

I'd have to say the WORST part about fertility treatments is the waiting, always waiting to start the cycle, or waiting for AF or waiting for an U/S or waiting for follies to grow or the 2ww!! it never ends!

Just know that you are doing the best thing you can!

xox