Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Today two years ago

I stopped taking BCP. We were on our way to the South Coast for a week holiday. We had made the conscious decision to TTC. How excited we were. How naïve we were.

I can’t believe for one moment that I’m sitting here not even close to being pregnant. We could have had 2 babies in the time we have spent TTC. This is absolute BULL SH*T. We have done everything possible, taken every supplement both DH and myself. We have timed every BD session down to the minute. I have studied every possible trick in the book. I have learnt almost everything there is to know about TTC. We have prayed, hoped, prayed some more. And this is what I sit with…. Another busted cycle.

Saturday I had a glimmer of hope. I took a test, and would you believe a second line showed up. Now I know it wasn’t in the time limit. It must have been at least 15 minutes after I took the test. But it was there. Beautiful. My hands were shaking, I could actually see a second line with no need to squint and angle it just right. It was there, colour and thickness. Yes it was very faint. But it was there, it is still there…. Sunday’s stark white BFN of course brought me back down to earth. Silly me, why would I be graced with a BFP now…. and then of course the all time favourite temp drop…. Confirming that this just isn’t our cycle.

I’m a screaming foul mouthed hormonal sad woman today. I have fought with McK, my DH and my mom today. (Including my mom’s 3 dogs.) They just don’t know what I’ve dealt with this weekend. Going from maybe being PG to having AF knock on my door. It’s not something everyone will understand. To have the longing, and then the hope and then the crash.

So what now…. I don’t know. I’ve been toying with the idea of this cycle. Will post more tomorrow, once I’ve decided what to do. I’m just not in the mood to talk about it right now.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I like 36.8

I was getting a tad worried about my temps sticking on 36.7 for the last 3 days. So I was quite happy to see 36.8 this morning. I know it doesn’t mean a thing at this stage, but at least I know my thermometer is not broken. I recall mentioning in my last post that I wasn’t going to temp that much. But hey, once again it’s got the better of me. It only takes 4 minutes out of my life, and makes me feel more secure. At least it will give me a heads up if AF is approaching or going on an extended holiday. I have offered to pay her flight tickets and accommodation for the next 10 months. But being the cynical b*tch that she is, she won’t give me a straight answer if she accepts or not. So we will just have to wait and see. Megs, can you believe I wrote “wait and see”. LOL…. Where have we heard that before?????

How do I feel about this cycle? Hmmmm, my feelings change from hour to hour, minute to minute. I’m allowing fantasy moments, but don’t think this is the one. I will be pleasantly surprised if we get 2 lines next week. It’s ok, I’m feeling very positive for the next 3 months. I’m sure our BFP is within grasping reach.

Monday, April 21, 2008

This has not been the best of cycles - mood wise. I’m suffering terribly from raging fits of crying or screaming. I honestly don’t know how my family puts up with me. Never mind my DH who is always in the perfect line of fire. I’m balancing on the edge all the time. Be careful you don’t step on the egg shells that surround me. The slightest thing sets me off into a fire breathing dragon. Although I am trying to keep my cool, I find myself seething silently. Constantly.

Sign a bad mood

The only place where I’m not fighting with someone is on the forums. So count yourself lucky, you don’t get to see that side of me. I’m down right nasty. Maybe because I can cover up my mood with a few words. It is a lot easier than reality.

We had a meet up on Saturday with some of my local TTC friends. It’s always weird meeting “strangers”, even though I’ve known most of them for months through cyber space. That nervousness and shyness of exposing yourself and not hiding behind a keyboard. But it was very cool. I enjoyed the meeting, and only hope we can do it more often.


So it’s the 1ww creeping up on us. I’ve started temping again. Well sort of. Will see how the week goes. If I temp, then I temp. If not, too bad. Having a thermometer in my mouth at 5:30 every morning isn’t going to get me pregnant.

I’ve developed this strange fascination with the TV program: “The Girls Next Door.” Yeah the Play Girls…. Can I blame that on Clomid??? I’m usually an earlier sleeper, but this last week, I find myself watching reruns late at night. I even cried at some of the episodes… Yes, I cried while watching “The Girls Next Door”. Hence the title of this post……..

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Keeping Busy

Another quiet day, filled with sunshine and blue skies. I’m sitting here in my office looking out the window. There is this really cool spider web spun across the fish(less) pond. I wonder how long it took that spider to do that. And if (s)he will be pissed if I come along and break it?

Don’t worry I’m not planning on destroying the home of a harmless spider. I’m just proving a point to myself that my blog can’t be about anything other than TTC. TTC is what I do best, well not technically TTC because then I would be knocked up already.... but talking about TTC, that is one of my strong points.

Yeah, so we have just entered the 2ww, 1dpo to be exact. I don’t have much expectation, wait that is a lie. I’m trying not to - have that much expectation. But at the same time don’t want to be negative. Negativity doesn’t get you anywhere. Or so they say.

What is a girl to do once we have entered the 2ww?

Luckily for me I have quite a bit of work to do. We have “put” a Virtual Agent onto the Making Babies website. (She isn’t live yet, so be sure to come back and check her out in a week or two.) I thought it would be a fun idea to have “someone” on line to chat with about TTC, ask a few questions and so on. I’m busy training her, which means putting all TTC related questions and answers into her data base. At the same time, also trying to give her a personality. Her name is Ava, I named her after one of my friends on the mommy forum. She reminded me of her, same sexy pizzazz.

On an off topic note. It is almost McKenna’s Birthday, I can’t believe it!!! In less than 3 weeks my angel pie celebrates her 4th Bday. It feels like she has been a part of my life forever, yet in retrospect (did I use that word right) it is such a short time.

Today also marks the 9th Wedding anniversary of our dear friends, M&H. If ever there was a relationship to envy, it’s theirs. May you both be blessed with all the love and happiness you give everyone around you.


Anyone wants to take a guess how many times I’ve thought about when I will start testing this cycle……. LOL…… Bye
poas addict

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Today is a better day....

Maybe I was a bit harsh yesterday. I reread my post and thought about it a little. Thinking maybe I was a bit selfish in not seeing the good out of yesterday’s appointment. I mean hello, I have one beautiful follie waiting there. How many TTC ladies would kill for one follie? I then felt bad about complaining and being so down in the dumps because I think of my friends who are battling with fertility treatment and IVF. Who am I to be so negative about having a potential good appointment.

I guess I just got all worked up with my Doc about the weight issue. That I only saw negativity in anything he said and anything I felt. And of course I’m going to blame the Clomid for making me a nut case yesterday.

Everything just seems way too much this cycle. I have definitely had more side effects this time round than any other month. I can only imagine what I’m going to be like next month. **rolls eyes**

Monday, April 14, 2008

Gyn/Ob appt Update....

Please note these are NOT my own u/s. I got them off Google images, just so that I could show you what mine more or less did look like…..

Uterine Lining:

All perfect. Gyn/Ob very happy with the lining.

Ovary and Follicle:

I had one follicle on the right measuring perfect for ovulation within the next day or two. Then 3 smaller follicles on the left. But we doubt that they will mature enough. So I guess we have one good looking follie to make do with.

Doc is still on my case about my weight and blood pressure. I nearly whacked him across the head. I’ve lost 4kg so far, and I know I have another 6 to go. But please….. Give me a break. I’m trying my utmost best against this war of the scale. I got really upset when he said “at the rate you are losing weight, we might be waiting another year before you fall Pregnant.”… **gasp**

I’m glad I didn’t write this post when I got home from the Doc. It’s taken me 3 and a half hours to collect my emotions and think level headed about all this.

The new POA is that we do another 3 rounds of Clomid, and then do a laparoscopy if no Pregnancy is achieved by then. Oh please God, I can’t do this any longer…..


It’s been a while hasn’t it. Feels like weeks since I last posted. I did promise to give a birthday update. So here goes…..

Although my bday did not start off that well, it ended in grand ole style with my best friends and DH. They organized a surprise Fondue dinner for me. I was so blown over. M&H love you to bits. You guys are so awesome. I’ve said it before, but I will say it again. You guys are my rock. Thank you for being such amazing friends, always supporting us no matter what. I am truly blessed to have you both in my life. And of course my DH, Craig. Thanks for making my bday so special. Love you babe.

Needless to say with any good party comes a bad hangover. This left me in bed for most of Thursday. Although I think I can blame Clomid for half of the sickness. As I’m still feeling rather nauseous today, hopefully this will pass soon.


We had such a great weekend. I met two of my “on line” TTC friends who I have been chatting with for almost two years now. H and her DH flew in from Dubai, to watch the Rugby Blue Bulls vs. Hurricanes game. Before the game we met up with M and her precious baby girl. It was awesome seeing H & M in “real life”, like H said – seeing us in 3D. Just as I expected we all got on like a house on fire. It was so cool holding baby M, I’ve known her since she was two stripes on a pregnancy test.


I suppose I better mention that our Blue Bull team lost to the almighty Canes…. **rolls eyes** But it was a good game if you were wearing yellow. I’m sure H and DH were very impressed with the results.

On the TTC front. I have an appointment with my Gyn/Ob this afternoon. Very very nervous to see him, as I’m not sure what to expect. I’m on CD13 today and both ovaries are working over time and cramping like no tomorrow. I should be Oing within the next 24 hours. Trying to stay positive, that’s all we can do…

Ooohhhhh, and I just have to mention this. But H brought me 7 HPTs from Dubai. I was like a kid in a candy store yesterday morning. Sitting on our bed emptying the packets and reading all the different brands. So very cool. And yes in case you were wondering, I did POAS…. I know CD12 POAS, pathetic… but at the same time hysterically funny. Like I actually expected a second line to show. I even waited the whole 10 minutes to make sure…. But I didn’t rip the test apart like I normally do.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Almost 28


Tomorrow I will be turning 28 years old. I’m not sure when I grew up, or if I’m still in the process of growing up? All I do know is that I’ve come out a lot stronger than what I was a few years back. Funny how life never really turns out the way you planned. I wanted to start this post off by saying I was born 9 April 1980 blah blah, and give you the full run down. But perhaps it is better to save you from the “Days of your lives” saga…..


I was going through some of my baby photos this morning, came across this one. My reaction the day my brother was born. Little did I know that in a few years I would get a sister and another brother….. Don’t worry I have grown accustomed to them, and do love them all very much.


This 27th year has been a rough one, but never the less a very interesting one. I started my own business… Making Babies … Which I still need to get up and running officially. It was a tricky one, because there are so many emotions involved when it comes to TTC. And lots of toes you don’t want to step on. I put my heart and soul into it.. Now I just need to make it work. At the same time, I opened up my “private life” some what to the world. Especially close friends and family that did not know we were struggling with TTC. It’s a very open wound, which luckily no one has poured any salt on…. Yet.

I’m not one for celebrating my own birthday. I can do someone else’s birthday with a smile. But my own, I struggle. It is not that I don’t like the feeling of getting older or anything remotely like that. Maybe it’s the attention I don’t like. My MIL is baking me a cake for tomorrow, which some what forces me to have a “party”. So I have just invited my brothers/sisters/parents and best Friends to come have a drink with me. Nothing fancy, nothing drawn out. Just a quick hello - happy birthday.

I’ll let you know how it all goes down.


Monday, April 7, 2008

New cycle, new hair colour

I think I’ve gathered up all the baby dust I can for this next cycle, and we are ready to get this show on the road. Although I will be making pit stops now and then for a little bit of encouragement and positive vibes.

Every new cycle brings new hope. New faith. New excitement. The sadness of AF arriving has been washed away. Making way for day dreaming of little feet and sweet smelling baby lotions. I love the renewed energy, although I still try to keep things in perspective and not to get ahead of myself. After all, we’ve been here before time and time again.

Anyway I better be off, its way past McKenna’s bed time. I think she had a rough day at school today. Because she was rather tired when I picked her up. It was one tantrum after the other. Even when we went to go buy hair dye. She insisted that I buy this cherry red colour. Needless to say I carried her kicking and screaming out of the shop. There are some things I will let her get away with, but picking mommy’s hair colour is not one of them.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Not one box left...

Thank goodness, I think I’ve packed everything out. That which we didn’t need has gone into storage until we get a bigger place. I had no idea how much crap we had collected over the last 3 years. We threw a lot of stuff away, so now we have less crap… LOL.. I finally got rid of the hideous blue couch my in-laws gave us a few years back. It was very liberating tossing it, along with a few other things at the dump yard.

For those that don’t know, we moved house this past weekend. This in itself was a drama, and very hard work. I never want this weekend over again. My poor dad who I will forever be thankful to, helped us so much in more ways than one. I can’t express my gratitude enough to him. I love you Dad, and thank you for everything that you do for us. You are worth more than you will ever know. Without you I would be a lost soul.

My lil girly handled the move so well. She was an absolute star. I was a bit worried about how she would react. But like the trooper that she is, she smiled the whole way and helped out where she could. Bless her little heart.

Ok, so I’ve written 216 words so far, (not counting this sentence) without mentioning anything TTC related, wow that’s a first… Oh one thing, well a few things I haven’t thrown away is my Pee Sticks from last cycle…. Maybe its time to let go and toss them too. I mean what is the need to hang onto them?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Done basking....

My words from my previous post were bearly cold when AF hit.....

Thank goodness I had my pity party yesterday.

Hope you like the new layout of the blog. It was so hard deciding what to go with. So many beautiful designs, I had to find something me.... this will do for now.

I've been reading some blogs the last 2 days. More so TTC blogs, obviously. I'm in awe of some of the blogging talent that is out there. I feel like a first grader amongst them. **Note to self, make more time to write proper blogs.

Clinging onto HOPE

It can’t be very healthy clinging onto this hope… But I’m going to do it anyway, only because I can. And what TTC woman wouldn’t let her mind wander over to the “maybe” side of life…..

I might have started my pity party too soon. Cycle 24 aint over yet. There might might might be a small glimmer of hope. Actually none at all, but I’m letting myself hang on for dear life just for a few more hours.

AF isn’t technically here in full force. She is toying with me I think. Hopefully she was playing a mean April Fools joke on me yesterday. Just threatening me with some spotting, because she has not settled in yet.

I hate doing this to myself. But…….. What if… just what if….. I know AF will probably hit as soon as I click “publish post”. But for now I’m going to bask in the glow of maybe there still is a chance of a BFP… maybe…

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Another one bites the dust

Talking about my wonderful cycle 24 for which I had so much hope and faith.


But putting on my brave face.... what is a girl to do right?

A 2008 baby is now totally out of the question. sad face

One thing I have managed to do according to my Gyn instruction is to "de-stress". With some recent changes in our lives the last 4 days and DH getting another side line job. Most of our stress has been lifted. Therefore hopefully I can start to relax more and just and just...

I dont know what that "just" is....

I'm devastated ok.... totally.... Nothing anyone says today will make it better. NOTHING.

How long can one carry on before admitting defeat and accepting that just maybe it isn't going to happen?

I know I'll feel better tomorrow or maybe Thursday. But today I need to be angry. I need to throw some things around, scream at my DH and maybe go out and buy that chocolate I was so lus for yesterday. But thought no, you've been doing so good without all the sugar.

Another thing I really really need to start doing is, getting back to my excercise schedule. With this last crazy month, it kind of took a back seat. I need to get my butt in gear. Work off all this pent up anger. Might do me the world of good.