Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Today two years ago

I stopped taking BCP. We were on our way to the South Coast for a week holiday. We had made the conscious decision to TTC. How excited we were. How naïve we were.

I can’t believe for one moment that I’m sitting here not even close to being pregnant. We could have had 2 babies in the time we have spent TTC. This is absolute BULL SH*T. We have done everything possible, taken every supplement both DH and myself. We have timed every BD session down to the minute. I have studied every possible trick in the book. I have learnt almost everything there is to know about TTC. We have prayed, hoped, prayed some more. And this is what I sit with…. Another busted cycle.

Saturday I had a glimmer of hope. I took a test, and would you believe a second line showed up. Now I know it wasn’t in the time limit. It must have been at least 15 minutes after I took the test. But it was there. Beautiful. My hands were shaking, I could actually see a second line with no need to squint and angle it just right. It was there, colour and thickness. Yes it was very faint. But it was there, it is still there…. Sunday’s stark white BFN of course brought me back down to earth. Silly me, why would I be graced with a BFP now…. and then of course the all time favourite temp drop…. Confirming that this just isn’t our cycle.

I’m a screaming foul mouthed hormonal sad woman today. I have fought with McK, my DH and my mom today. (Including my mom’s 3 dogs.) They just don’t know what I’ve dealt with this weekend. Going from maybe being PG to having AF knock on my door. It’s not something everyone will understand. To have the longing, and then the hope and then the crash.

So what now…. I don’t know. I’ve been toying with the idea of this cycle. Will post more tomorrow, once I’ve decided what to do. I’m just not in the mood to talk about it right now.


Candi said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Keep the faith...I know its hard, but sometimes its all we have. I pray that this cycle brings you an unexpected surprise.