Friday, July 4, 2008

Random thoughts....

Nothing much to report today. I started using the OPKs yesterday. At least I get my POAS urges covered mid cycle. I never thought I would enjoy P-ing in cups so much. I’ve become so good at it too. I think I could do it blind folded and not mess a drop!! Could make for an interesting video on You Tube.

On a more serious note, and I’m sure I have discussed this before…… It’s also taken me about an hour to write this. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense at all. Nothing flows and my train of thought is a bit screwed up, but there are just a few thoughts I would like to get out… here goes.

I would like to give my TTC friends that are hurting right now, a massive big hug. Although I know a hug doesn’t take the pain of yet another failed cycle away. If I could take the hurt and frustration away, believe me I would. I realized the other day, it doesn’t matter how long you have been TTC. We all feel the same pain. From the couples that have been trying for 4 months to those old timers of 28 months.

I must admit, I used to think (some days I still do) that because I’ve been trying longer than anyone I know that I have more of a right to be pissed off. That my pain is greater and more justified. But it isn’t. It’s the same. That dull ache that eats away at us. The dull ache that we soon learn to start covering up and pretend that everything is fine….. I’m quite good at that. I don’t think anyone but myself and my support groups know how low I can get.

Then I start to feel guilty about being so angry because I have friends that are going through failed IUI and IVF. I start feeling guilty because I already have a child. I start feeling guilty because I’m complaining so much, but yet our best friends can’t have any children of their own. I can imagine what they think when I start rambling on about how difficult this is for me. They are probably standing there wishing they could strangle me. Hell I would strangle me too!!!

I often get told, “I don’t know how you do it, stay so positive for so long”. Those people just don’t get to see that other side of me. The one that drags around for days with my heart aching so much. No body will ever really understand. And you know what, it’s ok. It’s ok that no one understands. But more importantly they stand beside me and pick me up when they don’t even know that they are saving me from drowning in self pity.

And that is AWESOME. To have friends that support my every effort to have another child. To have friends that cry with me, laugh with me, be so freaking optimistic when I’m feeling at my lowest. To those friends, thank you. You know who you are. I don’t need to single you out. Love you girls!!!

Oh and I haven’t told you yet. But I love my job. No I’m not talking about my real day job. I’m talking about my Making Babies Job. I knew there was a reason why I had to get so obsessed with TTC. I can’t explain to you how much I love helping people out with regards to TTC. I finally feel like I’m doing something worth while.


Annie Kates said...

I am so glad that you are able to take something so difficult in your own life and help others out in their's. You are an angel Marcelle!
I feel the same about my amazing friends. The ones who I have never met in "real life", but seem to understand me like no one else does. I can't imagine going through this roller coaster without them. They are my rocks.