Ok, I didn't want anyone to think that I spent the whole day being angry. I guess I'm allowed my moments of temper tantrums...
I have slowed down to a gentle calmness. Did I over react today? Maybe.... maybe not.
And just in case you were wondering, I do still love my DH. He just gets the better of me some days. And the nearest he is going to get to a frying pan, will be the eggs I will make him tomorrow for breakfast.
I’m fighting a battle, but I only have one soldier…. Myself. Well that is what it feels like. I have absolutely no back up troops, nobody sitting in the trenches waiting for a signal. No one.
What war are you referring to? It’s me against everyone and everything in my life right now. It all just seems like one big up hill battle. God(and he does, cause I’ve told him over and over again) knows I’m trying my damnest to be positive and see the good in everything, but does it have to be so hard?
I’m tired of having to teach my DH the word NO. This is a battle I’m not going to win. Hell his mother should have done that when he was little. If McK ends up being an only child, then please help me not to bring her up as that stereo type Only Child. Who can’t take no for an answer and does as they please. (Apologies if I offend anyone), maybe it’s not because DH is an only child that he acts like this….. But anyway, I couldn’t be bothered trying to figure it out any more. He is a spoilt brat who gets his own way no matter what. And I don’t even care if he reads this post. Believe me it’s much better than the thoughts that are going through my head right now.
I’m tired of fighting with my inner self. Trying to justify what I feel, how I feel. What I don’t feel. What I shouldn’t feel. I don't even know why I'm thinking about all this crap now. Maybe this is all just stemmed from my DH that just has this ability to make me as mad as hell. And then turn around and kiss me good bye with a "I love you". Yeah, how about a frying pan to the back of your head....
Maybe I shouldn’t be venting right now…..
BLAH!!!
F*cking hormones, get the better of us some time or another……………… Promise I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I think it’s about time we start getting the positive vibes going here……
A friend reminded me about good Karma this morning. I guess I needed a wake up call and get out of my negative funk.
It’s hard enough not getting our BFP, but to live every day with this anger can’t be good for a person. It’s just days spent being unhappy. And there is so much good going on right now, I have been over looking it.
Last seen: Flying over the Tropic of Capricorn
Distinguishing marks: Skull and Bones tattoo on neck
Reward: A life time of Gratefulness
I did not win the lotto (sorry for those who already started packing in your bikinis and flip flops.) and I’m not pregnant. Not sure which one makes me more depressed.
This will be my last Clomid cycle. Just waiting for AF to arrive. She is taking a detour through town, maybe stopping for some McDonald’s. Should be here today though, temp went plummeting down to 36.3 degrees Celsius. Yeah yeah, I know I said I wouldn’t temp. But I’m sure glad I did, I mean I would have been sitting here all excited about being one day late….. At least now I know what to expect.
We were at the Irene Dairy Farm yesterday. Spent a lovely afternoon walking around the farm and then having a few drinks. They have this fountain at the entrance. My aunt threw some coins into the fountain. You know to make a wish. So I say to McK lets throw some coins in to... She turns to me and says, "I'm going to wish for a baby sister, mommy must also wish for a baby sister.... then I'm going to get two baby sisters....."
Maybe that is all that this next cycle needs. A little wish from a magic fountain. I’ll let the farm know if it’s works, then I want 5% profit from the coins that get thrown in from the hundreds of TTC women that will be queuing up for miles. **wink wink**
I just wanted to let you all know that if by some small miracle I win the Lotto tonight, I’m moving to this beautiful island as seen below. I will be building my beach cabin just behind that palm tree. Will need to set up a hammock and get a cute island boy to serve me cocktails all day long. Anyone want to join me?
Good morning……
I’ve been up since 2am roughly. DH went to Cape Town for training. His flight was at 5am this morning. He couldn’t sleep and was tossing and turning from 2am. Needless to say I did not get any sleep. So I’m rather buggered right now.
On the TTC front. All is calm. I know Megs had given me a stern warning to step away from the therm and just let it be…. But I don’t know if I can. A dear friend reminded me of what dpo I am on, 
and now I’m getting slightly obsessive again 
I guess I will just have to see what happens and what I end up doing.
Another good friend shared this site with me today. How much fun. If you love looking at pee sticks, go visit Can you see a line.
I’m either crying at a drop of a hat or biting someone’s head off for no reason. I really think I need to get a sign around my neck. “Step away from the Hormonal B*tch”. And on the back saying “Talk to me at your own risk”. I’m trying really hard to keep a level head and just stay calm. But it’s so damn hard to do in real life. Here in the virtual one I can pretend I’m fine. The keyboard does the talking for me, and I can fool anyone in to thinking I’m happy today. But my poor family and DH. I’m no fun to be around. I admire their patience with me.
I’m between 4-6dpo. It’s weird not being in total control of this cycle. I haven’t even been tempted to temp. I love sleeping late, especially with it getting so cold here. Although I’m thinking of temping from maybe next Wednesday. Just so that I can mentally prepare myself for AF. I don’t want to sit here thinking and hoping I’m pregnant. I’ll rather know ahead of time that AF is approaching.
I don’t use OPKs all that often. But couldn’t resist them this weekend.
Here is a pic of my OPKs. Now, I did not test every day at the same time. Simply because my hectic social life wouldn't allow me to. I think Saturday was the most positive looking test. I'm sure if I were testing at my normal 3pm testing time, Saturdays test would have been darker. I tested twice yesterday. Notice how the 17:00 test only has a light line compared to earlier in the day. I think I caught the beginning of my surge on Saturday. Making either yesterday or Today O day. I will however test again today - 2:45pm to make sure.....
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Onto that hectic social life I was bragging about……
Saturday we had H’s bday party. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. It was good to just let loose and enjoy life for a bit, without having to worry about everyday crap.
Yesterday we were at the In Laws for lunch. This poor dove flew into the window and I’m not sure if he survived it. DH tried to see if anything was broken or hurt. But the poor thing just couldn’t stand up by itself. FIL eventually put the bird on the other side of the wall. Because McK was so concerned and kept wanting the “mommy” bird to come help her baby.
I’m super excited to announce that my stock of Home Pregnancy and Ovulation tests have arrived.
It’s not easy for a POAS-a-holic to be in the possession of so many tests. But I’ve put them away and hopefully the orders will start coming in, and I can get them out faster than I can p on them LOL.
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I would like to take the opportunity to wish my very good friend Hanlie… a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I hope the day is filled with happiness and love. You are an amazing person and I will forever be grateful for the friendship we all share.
I’ve noticed a trend over the last day or two with some blogs I’ve read through. All about the “quirks” if I could use that word correctly. Which I probably am not… But all the “quirks” about TTC/Fertility. While reading through the lists, some I laughed out loud only because I’ve been there, got the T-shirt.. Others I let out a silent tear, because I’ve been there, got the T-shirt.
I did not write any of these, and I’m not sure who to give the recognition to. But here are just a few that I’ve read. Feel free to ignore the rest of this post, if you have already read this:
That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.
That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Outsurance.
That having AF show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in.
That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to TTC.
That no one I know (in my non TTC life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.
That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"
That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (And this is after 27 months TTC...)
That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would infuriate me beyond belief.
That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
Thank you to the writer of these. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about the fact that all of the above (and more that I didn’t post) apply to me. But I can say that I’m not alone in through all these TTC (e)motions. The fact that I could actually laugh at myself for a change and not be totally pissed off with my body is a great achievement for me today.
Where has this year gone?
It feels rather strange not to be worrying about every day TTC related stuff. I’ve been sleeping later than usual. No worries about the alarm going off so that I can temp. It is actually quite freeing not to be bound to a glass thermometer. I have to think really hard what CD I am on today. But going to stop myself from realizing what CD I am on. That is the whole point of this cycle, just to relax.
Yes I am still on the Clomid, but to be honest. I can’t remember which day I started taking it. LOL. I took the last one today. So who knows? I kind of feel very reckless But I am enjoying every minute of it. I need this break. I need to not worry about it. I’m only hoping the “not stressing and obsessing” will turn into “so you not stressing but you are stressing cause you aren’t not stressing enough” kind of thing. Make sense. Of course it does.
McK is sick. My poor nunu has bad sinus and flu. We have kept her home today as well, and dosing her up with all her meds. We found such a lovely doctor. Literally just down the road from us. What a stunning woman. She made McK so comfortable and explained everything she was doing. If only she was a gynae….. Maybe I can convince her to change her profession from GP to Gynae.
